It can be heartbreaking when family members can’t agree on what their elderly loved one’s care should look like. Choosing the right type of care for an elderly parent is a difficult task in itself. Family disputes and conflicting opinions on care can make this all the more stressful.
Ideally, planning for care should be about putting the needs of your elderly parent first. However, this isn’t always easy. Sibling rivalry, past conflicts and misunderstandings can bubble up and rise to the top during stressful times, making it difficult to agree on the best way forward.
So, what do you do when families can’t agree on parental care? Read our guide for expert advice from our home care experts.
Is your elderly parent in need of care?
Does your elderly parent need more care than you can possibly provide? If so, it may be time to consider care options. Supporting an elderly parent can be difficult, especially if you yourself have work and other responsibilities taking up your time. It can be a struggle to balance the care of an elderly loved one with the demands of your everyday life.
If you are considering how to plan for an elderly parent’s care, various care options are available to suit your family. Elderly care doesn’t simply mean moving an older person into a care home or retirement village. There are more flexible options out there that don’t involve making any drastic changes to your parent’s lifestyle and living arrangements. From assisted living to nursing homes and in-home care, there is a care service to cater for every need.
Family disputes over elderly parents
Unfortunately, family disagreements or sibling conflict over the care of an elderly parent are a common problem. Whether this stems from siblings having very different opinions about their parents’ care or lack of cooperation from the elderly parent themselves, arguments and disagreements can make coming up with a care plan more difficult than it needs to be.
The reality faced by family members when an elderly relative or parent is ageing and becoming less independent is tough to take on board. As a result, emotions may be more fraught than usual, which is not useful when making difficult decisions. Add to this the physical tiredness and mental pressure of caring for an elderly parent. All this takes a toll.
It could be the parents themselves who instigate family disputes about their care. The parent has to accept that they are no longer in the traditional caring role of a parent and have to relinquish responsibility to their child or children. The role reversal can have a confusing effect on elderly parents. Therefore, they may become resistant to acknowledging and planning their care.
With so many feelings and emotions involved, it’s no surprise that family disputes can arise during this time. It is important to recognise and resolve disagreements surrounding elderly parental care before it interferes with the overall goal – ultimately, what’s best for the elderly individual needing care.
What to do if adult siblings disagree
Sibling conflict over the care of an elderly parent can worsen matters in an already tense situation. Skirting around issues and avoiding important conversations may seem like a way to limit stress, but unresolved problems hardly ever stay swept under the rug.
So, how do you navigate these choppy waters and make a clear decision on parental care together?
Start the conversation
Organise a family meeting or a series of meetings between you and your siblings to start the conversation. Hold the meeting on neutral ground, in a quiet public spot like a coffee shop, or organise a virtual meeting if you all live far apart. It is important that everyone is able to make it to the meeting and get a chance to air their opinions.
Listening Skills
As well as starting the conversation, you all need to be able to listen to each other. Frustration and anger can build when individuals feel like they are not being heard. Avoid talking over one another, demonstrating mutual respect. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to understand their viewpoint, even if you disagree.
When expressing your own thoughts or feelings, use “I” statements to take ownership of your perspective. For example, say “I feel” or “I believe” rather than placing blame or making accusatory statements.
Early Planning
To avoid the added pressure of making a last minute decision about parental care, encourage your parents to think about their elderly care well in advance. If the decision making falls to family members, then get together to discuss care planning as early as you can.
Research different elderly care options, such as assisted living communities, in-home care services, or nursing homes. Discuss the pros and cons of each option and involve your parents in the decision-making process.
Focus on Needs
An elderly parent’s needs come first when deciding on care. However, this must not be at the expense of your own needs and your siblings. Self-care is integral in keeping everyone healthy, happy, and able to work together amicably during tense times. Consider options such as respite care to cover any gaps concerning your parent’s care needs.
Include a Mediator
By involving a mediator in conversations with your siblings, you can benefit from an outsider’s perspective, offering constructive advice. A mediator will help guide family meetings, focusing on what’s best for your elderly parent. Take the first step and contact a family mediation service specialising in sibling disputes.
What to do if elderly parents resist care
Sometimes, it’s not just differences between siblings that arise but also the parents’ reluctance to consider care options. In some cases, elderly parents may be hesitant to acknowledge their need for care, which can complicate the decision-making process. While addressing this reluctance can be daunting, it’s important to approach it with empathy and patience, as finding solutions together is indeed possible with understanding and support.
Moreover, elderly parents living with conditions such as Alzheimer’s and dementia that impact their cognitive function can show even more resistance to care. Confusion stemming from such conditions can lead to a lack of awareness that there’s a problem. However, there are steps you can take to encourage elderly parents to consider care.
Be Patient
Deciding on a care plan together with your elderly parent requires time and patience. Often, conversations may be repetitive and go off on a tangent, but it’s important that you both keep calm and persevere. Be patient and you will eventually reach an arrangement that suits everyone.
Listen
Make sure that you listen to your elderly parent to better understand their feelings about receiving care. Give them a chance to speak out about any worries or preferences they might have.
Take the time to genuinely listen to their worries, preferences, and any apprehensions they may have. Giving them the opportunity to voice their thoughts can help them feel valued and respected, ultimately fostering a sense of empowerment and collaboration in the decision-making process.
Care Options
Try and involve your elderly parent as much as possible in the care planning process. A great way to include them is to involve them in discussions with care providers or an introductory live-in care agency. If opting for live-in care, you could encourage them to view their carer as a companion, someone who is going to add to their quality of life. Involvement in the planning process gives your elderly parent control over the situation and makes the change less overwhelming.
Involve a Healthcare Professional
An older person can often find it easier to discuss their care needs with a professional rather than someone close to them. Organise an appointment with a healthcare professional to start the conversation about care. Healthcare professionals are used to dealing with resistance or refusal of care and are better equipped to handle these difficult discussions.
Self-care
At the end of the day, you can’t force your elderly parent to accept care. It is important that you know your limits and understand that you can’t be there for them 24/7. Ensure that you prioritise your own health and wellbeing and don’t feel guilty when you’ve done all that you can.
Tips for family conflict resolution
When it comes to a family disagreement, finding a quick resolution to bring about peace and harmony is the goal. Here are a few handy tips to repair communication channels and restore family relationships.
- Choose a quiet time to talk things over
- Hold family meetings in a neutral setting
- Decide whether an issue is worth fighting over
- Put emotions aside
- Don’t rush; conflict resolution takes time and you might have to revisit the same discussions
- Listen and allow individuals to feel heard
- Communicate clearly and honestly
- Understand others perspectives
- Stick to the important issues and don’t go off topic
- Include a mediator if the family dispute is too much to handle
Why the elderly love home care
Growing older, surrounded by the memories and comforts of home, is the ideal scenario for many of us. It’s the small things that matter, such as enjoying your later years with beloved pets and having family pop round for tea. In a poll, the vast majority of adults stated that receiving in-home care would be preferable to them over other types of care.
There are many reasons why, as we age, home care seems more appealing than other forms of care. Disruption is one thing that most people do not want at this time of life and moving into a care home is a major upheaval.
One of the advantages of in-home care is that this disruption is completely avoided, as elderly individuals can stay in their own homes while receiving the care they need. We all have our own daily routines and ways to fill our time. Receiving care in their own homes enables individuals to continue with their everyday lives and social commitments, with a little added support.
Relating to support, another reason why the elderly love home care is the new relationship they have with their carer. Carers are not just there to provide physical support but are a new companion to chat with, share hobbies with, and add a little light to an elderly person’s day.
To explore these and the many other benefits of home care, download our free guide to how live-care works.
Call our team today
If you or your loved one is considering live-in care, get in touch with us at Country Cousins today on 01293 244 706. We are the UK’s longest-serving introductory live-in care agency, having provided compassionate care to people in their own homes since 1959.
Give us a call today. Our experienced team is on hand to help from Monday to Friday, 8 am to 6 pm. Alternatively, contact us through our online enquiry form.
